Hi Linda, my name is Titi, this is my story and i would like you to publish it so i can get advice.
I am a 19 year old student currently studying Law in one of the top universities in the United Kingdom.
Although 19 i look like im in my 20’s. My friends describe me as an extremely nice generous person I come from a well to do family and i have never lacked anything in life.
I’m writing this in tears because im ashamed of myself but at the same time cant stop it.
Right from a very young age i was molested by several men and some of these men i still see till today and some i even have to call Uncle. When people ask me if im a virgin i dont know what answer to give them say no im not a virgin i lost my virginity when i was 5 or i truly lost my virginity right when i was 16 because i honestly dont know the answer to that question myself.
Right from age 13 i started dating older men find it very difficult to date guys my age. When i do find guys my age something always goes wrong and i always end up messing up and pushing them away. My friends make fun of the fact that i date only older guys but they dont know that it hurts me that i do date older guys. They dont know just how old these guys are because I even lie to them about it. I have to keep secrets and lie to my best friends, my family because im not proud of who I am.
My life makes me cry and sad because i know i smile everyday but im dying slowly inside. i have 3 major problems.
First – My friends boyfriend seem to always want to get with me and it makes me sad because im like why do the try this with me is it the way i carry myself or portray myself.
Second problem is i find it very difficult to say no to men and it makes me wonder if its related to the harassment i have suffered in the past.
Yes i’m only 19 but i have had sex with at least 20 different men and its not that i do it because i get pleasure from it because i actually hate sex.
Thirdly i am a hypocrite because i abuse girls when im talking with my friends of doing the exact same thing i do. I accuse them and abuse them of sleeping with men old enough to be their fathers for money and material things. i try to convince myself that im not with these men because of material things or anything but because i genuinely like them as i dont ever ask these men for money or any thing.
I am currently dating a 48year old man who i honestly and genuinely love not because of money or anything even though he is a billionaire.
I decided to write this because on my train back to birmingham from spending the week with him in london. it hit me that although I honestly love him he probably doesn’t care about me at all and is only with me because of sex and it made me wake up and ask my self questions.
I have no reason to be with him because sex is not amazing with him, i dont ask him for money or things as im not a materialistic person at all.
So why do i do it? Do i look at these men as my father as my father is dead?
I am honestly and genuinely scared that im never going to find true love or go for a guy my age or that if i eventually do fall in love with a guy my age my past will catch up with me.
This deeply worries me as im scared that i’ll drag my family’s name in the mud as i love my family so much and would never do anything to hurt them. I have tried my best to stop this.
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